New Feelings...

When someone you love passes away, you feel so many emotions- sad, hurt, scared, confused, peace, comfort, and the list could go on. Saturday morning after Maliya passed, I met with President Gatherum (he was our Bishop then got put in the Stake Presidency) at his office and he visited about what happened the day before and what I was feeling. He shared Alma 40:11-12 that helped a lot and another thing that he shared is " how special these babies are that have come to our family, and have been called back home so soon, and how special our family is to be given these perfect babies that don't have to endure the world we live in. And Danielle, how special are you and Jared that you can't even get you babies to get here..." I froze. Not one time in our infertility problems have I ever thought I was "special." I have always felt that I wasn't as good as the women that are having them. I hope this makes sense, I am still trying to wrap my head around this all, it's going to take time. Thanks for reading and all your love and support through these tough times. Love you all ~D

Maliya Jade

On the morning of Oct. 25, 2013, our beautiful little angel, Maliya Jade, left this earth to return into the loving arms of her Heavenly Father. Maliya was born on May 28, 2013, to Tanner Logan and Kelsea Blair Gunnell of Smithfield, Utah. We were so blessed to have been in her sweet presence for five short months. While her time here seemed short, she deeply touched everyone she came in contact with. One of those people was her big brother, Peyton Carter. He loved his baby sister more than anything. She loved to smile, laugh and bring happiness to those around her. When Maliya left this life, she received a loving welcome from her uncle Jason, cousin Andrew, and great-grandfathers Cecil Hugie and Willis Roper. She is survived by her loving parents and brother; grandparents Garry and Cindy Roper, and Val and Cindy Gunnell; great-grandparents Donna Roper, Lois Hugie, Ray and Carolyn Gilbert, Burke and Vernetta Gunnell, and many wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who loved her dearly. Graveside services for Maliya will be held at noon on Wednesday, Oct. 30, in the Smithfield City Cemetery. Friends may call from 6 to 8 p.m. Tuesday at Nelson Funeral Home, 85 S. Main and from 10:30 to 11:30 a.m. Wednesday. Donations can be made in Maliya's name for the Gunnell family at any Wells Fargo bank. Condolences may be expressed online at www.nelsonfuneralhome.com. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/hjnews/obituary.aspx?n=maliya-jade-gunnell&pid=167750984&#sthash.WfD98Ik1.FRukxT5E.dpuf

There aren't even words to describe the hurt Jared and I feel, but together we will get through this. You will forever be in our hearts little angel. Auntie and Uncle love you so much!!

TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN...

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 3 1/2 months...Sorry, needless to say we have been having fun. Let me take you back a couple months... July- what a whirlwind. We spent the month in a HOT HOT HOT tent selling FIREWORKS!! It paid off in the end, but it was still miserable at times. In the middle of the FIREWORKS adventure I got hired on a DFS (Direct Financial Services) in the collection department... I LOVE IT!! I would be at the FIREWORK tent from 8 am until 230 pm then go to training until 8 pm come back to the tent and be there until 12 am- ended up being really long days. Thank goodness Jared and his mom were there!! The FIREWORKS finally ended and I got done with training and I started to work from 7 am to 10 pm (we had unlimited over time) WOO HOO!! NOT!! I did that almost the entire month of August- I was exhausted, but the $$$ was good- it got us completely out of debt, which was one of our goals with the FIREWORKS- we decided that we wanted to take a trip... something we don't do and if we do we go to Montana, which we LOVE, but we wanted to do something new. We did go to Montana for the annual game, which was really low key with Uncle Dave being sick. Anyway, we googled places we haven't been and we couldn't decide and I wanted to do something for Jared, for all he does for me. So, if you know Jared at all you will know that this time of year he lives and breaths... FOOTBALL!! Definitely, not my favorite, but I support him when I can. So I looked up his favorite football team these days which is the Seattle Sea hawks (2 of his AGGIES play for them) and what do you know, they play the TITANS on our 12th Anniversary in Seattle!! It couldn't be better, right? SO I started checking prices and looking at things for us to do and TOLD Jared that we were going. It worked!! I booked the hotel and bought the tickets to the game!! I was so excited!! September couldn't have gone any slower... we were both so excited to go on our trip. As it got closer we planned out or route and where we would stop and etc... Fast forward... we are headed out of town!! Finally on our way!! 14 hrs later we pull into our hotel... let the FUN begin!! We did so much and had such a great time!! We got to meet up with cousins of mine that I haven't seen in 20+ years... that had to be the highlight of the trip. The game was AMAZING!! the entire trip was so fun!! (I will post pictures this week) I am grateful that we had the opportunity to go ans spend time with each other. I am also very grateful that I have a loving husband that I enjoy spending time with and going on adventures with... that what this life has been with him... one big ADVENTURE!! I LOVE YOU JARED!! Love, D~

Tough Times Ahead...

Jared and I ( or should have just said I) signed up to do a firework stand the week of the 4th and 24th of July... Today, my dear sweet little mother in law came and helped me ALL DAY!! ( I really enjoy or time togehter we can chat, laugh and sometimes (today being one of them) cry. Cindy and I were sitting there waiting and waiting for someone to come in,but it is Monday... middle of the work day, give them time, so we continued to chat. About 11 am my Auntie Peggy (from Mssoula, Montana) texts me... "Have you talked to your mom? Me: Not lately. Why? My phone rings... and the voice I heard on the other side was not what I was expecting... bear with me, I don't have all the details but it still hit home for me in many levels- Aunt Peggy told me she was with Dave and that he has a seizure on Saturday and she flew out to Wisconsin (where ncle Dave is)and that they found a brain tumor and he is in surgery right now, and they found stuff on his lungs, but they are going to deal with the brain first and any other treatments and stuff wil be done at home in Missoula- I told her I loved them and to hang in there... and hung up.... I told her the very exact same thing people would say to me and it bothered me. I sat there all day thinking and worrying about my Uncle and my Aunt and my cousins~ but it never went away... all day my poor little mind was consumed with what was going on. i love my family more then anything and I pray that this too shall pass!! Love ~D

Bandit... 1 year later

I honestly can't believe that we have had Bandit a year... that is nuts!! Oh man does this little guy ( or should I say big guy) keep us on our toes. We have a routine down for him and he does well with it, he gives Jared more trouble then me, but that's ok we still LOVE him more than anything. We have liked to travel with him and he has gone to Bear Lake for a RFL camp out, Moroni to J's brother's house,he got to stay a a dog hotel in Brigham city, and he went to Montana and of course to see J at work and to SONIC to get him a treat. In December, I was finally convinced that getting him fixed would be worth it and make him a better dog... I made the appointment and everyone said " have J take him and pick him up and he'll be mad at him"... not true. Bandit wouldn't come near me for 2 days... I got over it. He loves to be with everyone. He's a good boy and we love him!!!

Everybody Hurts...

This post I am taking from a post that my sister posted on face book earlier this week... "Ok, so I battle depression, and that is hard to admit. Yesterday due to a "perfect storm" of freak things the depression got the best of me, not my best hours. I saw a new Doctor today and am in a new medication. I pray that things get better and if your the praying type, pray for me please. The important thing is I know whet I was and where my mind was, I know how bad life can seem and it looks hopeless some times, but I swear REM got it right, every body hurts sometimes, just hold on. If you think you have had enough, of this life, hold on! Just hold on. I am telling you guys, life IS worth living. If you know someone who you even think is struggling, STAY INVOLVED in their life. Some of you sent me messages and texts and just "hey I am here if you need something, anything" messages. I might not have called those in, but they help. It helps to know people care. So when the world is just too much and this life...... HANG ON!" I think we all suffer from forms of depression on different levels. When I read this I was absolutely heart broken, to think that my own sister didn't feel like she could call and talk to me. That hurts. But she is right " Everybody hurts sometimes" Now I am sitting here wondering what I can do to help my sister, all I can come up with is pray...pray...pray...pray!! This is really hard for me to wrap my head around and understand why?? I love you all and if any of you need to talk... please call me Love, D When the day is long and the night The night is yours alone When you're sure you've had enough Of this life, well hang on Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries And everybody hurts sometimes Sometimes everything is wrong Now it's time to sing along When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go (Hold on) When you think you've had too much Of this life, well hang on 'Cause everybody hurts take comfort in your friends Everybody hurts Don't throw your hand oh, no don't throw your hand If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone If you're on your own in this life The days and nights are long When you think you've had too much Of this life to hang on Well, everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries And everybody hurts sometimes And everybody hurts sometimes so, hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on Everybody hurts No, no, no, no, you are not alone

So Many Mixed Feelings... I don't know what to do...

I know it has been a long time since I have blogged, so much has been happening. Relay for Life is in full swing, H had her baby and we are trying to get everything in order so when they tell us it's time to start our house, we are ready. ok, let me take you back... January one of my near and dearest friend had her baby and invited me to be there with her, so I was. I was excited to have a tiny little baby to hold and love on. On the 28th we were suppose to be getting a pretty good snow storm and I wanted to head down to Ogden while it was still light out and not snowing, H's mom "A" and her step father "M" needed a ride too, but A wasn't getting off work until 330 and M doesn't work. So I went and waited for them to get packed. Well, earlier in the day I had talked to H and she expressed to me some of her concerns and we were just visiting and she said that her mom mentioned "having to fight D for this baby" I let it roll off my back, whatever!! She obviously doesn't know me. So while I was sitting in the car waiting for A and M to get their stuff loaded, H's little sister "Lil M" came out and said " my mom said she was going to have to fight for this baby" Now I'm mad... how dare she say that?? I was asked to be there by my friend and if I am asked if I want to hold her... dang right I am. Well after the baby was her... and she is Oh so BEAUTIFUL we were all admiring her through the window and all of the sudden A was gone. I went into H's room to see if she was ok and she wasn't there, but H was and she asked me to stay. We had a few minutes together and cried and talked. They brought in baby A and the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold her... (in my mind I was thinking I can't be the first to hold her A will get upset) H said to me "go ahead D , she's my baby" so I picked her up and oh my gosh so tiny and so cute. A walked through the door and made a remark as to "D holding my grand baby first" so I immediately handed her over. It hurt, it hurt my heart a lot. so through out the day when I was asked to hold her I had her 2-3 minutes and got her taken away. The whole day was great, the birth, the after, the sweet baby, bonding with H and J was great. But deep down in my heart all I could think of was "why? why not me? why am I sitting here and she laying there nursing her baby, why is my husband not here, why can't I go pick out a car seat and outfits for my baby? It has been something that I thought I had come to terms with,but apparently not. I know adoption is great and we both would like to do it, but is it wrong to want to experience the baby moving in me, reading to the baby, sharing that with my husband. I have a great life... a husband that loves me. a husband is a Priesthood holder. a husband that takes me to the Temple. a husband that lets me do what ever I want. a husband that works hard so I can do and get what I want. I have a puppy that I love more than life itself. a family that I love (both sides) and that's ok to love and have it all. But there is still an empty place in my heart and there will be until I have my own. I'm sorry, but that is just the way it is going to be. I love you all- ~D

Dear Granny~

I cant't believe it's been 10 years... I have missed you so much. So much has happened in our lives that I wish you would have been apart of. Sure, everyone says and I believe that you are always with me, but it just isn't the same. I miss our talks, and our laughs... we had so many good ones. I miss hearing your voice, your hugs. I remember the night you left us, I was talking to my mom and I asked her how your first day of radiation was and she said fine, that you were just tired. I told her that I should call you. She said no it's 830, she's probably asleep. So we finished our conversation and said our good byes. Jared and I were just moving into our apartment and were staying with his parents while everything was getting turned on and set up. We were asleep down stairs and Jared's mom came down around 5 or 530 and asked Jared to come help her... I knew something was wrong. Mom was on the phone and told Jared that you had passed. He came back down stairs and said "Danielle?" I said " it's Granny huh?" We both cried and held each other, I then went and called mom back. Oh Granny, it was one of the hardest days of my life. I felt my world was crumbling around me. We met Joe, Ang and Jaden in Pocatello and headed to Missoula. It was great to see all the family. The services in Cut Bank were great... so many people besides your family love you and showed their support. The memorial services in Great Falls were beautiful, the cemetery was good too. I remember standing there and everyone was going back to the cars and I was still there... I couldn't leave you. I didn't want to leave you. We had a luncheon and headed to Helena. Joe, Mom, Patty, Peggy, Sherri and I went to Cut Bank to pack up your apartment... oh the silly things we found. You had a coffee spill on all your shirts and a tissue (we were unsure if they were used or not) in all your pants pockets... that made us laugh. We cleaned up and went on our way. We all miss you so much... and think about you everyday. I know you are happy where you are with Uncle Mark, Boppa and the rest of your family, friends and loved ones. Give them all a hug and kiss from us. I love you and miss you Dani