Sunday, February 24, 2013

So Many Mixed Feelings... I don't know what to do...

I know it has been a long time since I have blogged, so much has been happening. Relay for Life is in full swing, H had her baby and we are trying to get everything in order so when they tell us it's time to start our house, we are ready. ok, let me take you back... January one of my near and dearest friend had her baby and invited me to be there with her, so I was. I was excited to have a tiny little baby to hold and love on. On the 28th we were suppose to be getting a pretty good snow storm and I wanted to head down to Ogden while it was still light out and not snowing, H's mom "A" and her step father "M" needed a ride too, but A wasn't getting off work until 330 and M doesn't work. So I went and waited for them to get packed. Well, earlier in the day I had talked to H and she expressed to me some of her concerns and we were just visiting and she said that her mom mentioned "having to fight D for this baby" I let it roll off my back, whatever!! She obviously doesn't know me. So while I was sitting in the car waiting for A and M to get their stuff loaded, H's little sister "Lil M" came out and said " my mom said she was going to have to fight for this baby" Now I'm mad... how dare she say that?? I was asked to be there by my friend and if I am asked if I want to hold her... dang right I am. Well after the baby was her... and she is Oh so BEAUTIFUL we were all admiring her through the window and all of the sudden A was gone. I went into H's room to see if she was ok and she wasn't there, but H was and she asked me to stay. We had a few minutes together and cried and talked. They brought in baby A and the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold her... (in my mind I was thinking I can't be the first to hold her A will get upset) H said to me "go ahead D , she's my baby" so I picked her up and oh my gosh so tiny and so cute. A walked through the door and made a remark as to "D holding my grand baby first" so I immediately handed her over. It hurt, it hurt my heart a lot. so through out the day when I was asked to hold her I had her 2-3 minutes and got her taken away. The whole day was great, the birth, the after, the sweet baby, bonding with H and J was great. But deep down in my heart all I could think of was "why? why not me? why am I sitting here and she laying there nursing her baby, why is my husband not here, why can't I go pick out a car seat and outfits for my baby? It has been something that I thought I had come to terms with,but apparently not. I know adoption is great and we both would like to do it, but is it wrong to want to experience the baby moving in me, reading to the baby, sharing that with my husband. I have a great life... a husband that loves me. a husband is a Priesthood holder. a husband that takes me to the Temple. a husband that lets me do what ever I want. a husband that works hard so I can do and get what I want. I have a puppy that I love more than life itself. a family that I love (both sides) and that's ok to love and have it all. But there is still an empty place in my heart and there will be until I have my own. I'm sorry, but that is just the way it is going to be. I love you all- ~D

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